Searching for the Christmas card.

There is a project that is forever in the back of my mind. It starts under the Christmas tree and ends around Thanksgiving when the kids are clean and pressed...will this be the day I get the Christmas picture? I took over 4000 pictures last year alone, many times hoping for that one good shot. I only need one. One image that shows my friends and family that we are still here, still happy, the kids are still growing up too fast. The search begins, scrolling, editing, enhancing, and cropping. Where oh where will it be? We didn't go Skiing this past year but we did go to California to visit my parent, Did we get that picture then?

Almost. Did we get it at the parade?

There were many opportunities over the summer at the lake, picking blueberries or in the water. Many of the pictures did include family and friend visitors. That cute little girl is cousin Emma. She is the only one cooperating.

Now we are more then half way through the year, how about the first day of school? It is an exciting day all the kids are starting at a new school. 7th, 4th and 2nd grades already.

OK, now I am getting close to the end of the year...how about that hike we took. There is one with all three kids and the dogs. I remember taking it.

OR NOT!

So I search again. I go back to the beginning. I didn't notice any of me with the kids, but I am usually taking the pictures. I did find a few...

I think I look pretty much the same as last year. Was I on the card last year?

The best ones of me, I am not with my kids, I wonder?

I love this man and he is a blessing.

Can I include his kids on the card? They are a big part of life now.

The end result is I am going with the favorites. Ballet, football, fishing...it was a great year and I did not find that perfect photo but somehow the many wonderful moments were captured.

DeCordova sculpture garden with friends

Blocking boys at Aquarium

Extra day in CA

My Fisherman

never enough S'mores

Trip to Maine-love tubing!

Ballerina

Quarterback

Happy Halloween

Pure joy!

Merry Christmas Everyone!
Love Wendy, Skylar, Ellis and Quinn.

Pink

October is Breast Cancer awareness month so show your support and wear Pink. I am posting something pink everyday for the month of October on the JumpingBean Design Facebook Page. Health information, art projects, and thoughts.

Delayed Gratification

I can't sleep. I am bummed, it is 1:03 am. I am bummed because the Spartan Race has been cancelled. It was debatable whether I was going to run it or not but Irene made the choice for me, BUT, its a big but, I just opened an email that if I want to run the race tomorrow at 6am I can. I am tempted to run upstairs, pack my bag, set my alarm at be there by the 5am call time. I wouldn't sleep, it's only 4 hours from now...my heart is racing just thinking about it. This is the stuff I love. Breaking a sweat. Feeling the blood pump through my veins, the sweat run off my forehead, the strength needed to get every breath in and out of my lungs, but sadly...this year I am injured so to me an extra challenge, can I finish the race even if my calf muscles give out on me? I haven't been injured since high school soccer, but at 17 I could keep playing while healing. Now at 42 it is not the same. This is the first time I have started to feel old. I strained my calf muscle in June, took three weeks off and then injured it again. And again and again.  I need to stay off my leg, but I admit, I do not know what that means. I fear I don't have the patients but if I don't let my leg heal, could do permanent damage?
I am facing something we all face every day, just because we know what is right doesn't mean we do it.
I am registered for a triathlon on 3weeks, I'm afraid I am going to miss that too. I'm sad but realizing I need to do it right the first time, meaning, heal my leg now and then...if i am patient, race next Spring.
I hope Sunday turns out to be a beautiful sunny day......

Row, Row, Row your boat...

I can remember picking blue berries when I was 9. My kids started picking blue berries before they could walk, as they sat in a pack on my back. I fed them berries as I picked. We hike to the tower on Pitcher mountain and pick. Everyone has their own pail, some old and made of tin others a recycled large yogurt container on a string, but they all work and when the bottom is covered they no longer say, "kirplinck, kirlank, kirplunk."

If you ask me how long I have been coming to the lake I will tell you I have been coming here since I was 6, that I spent my summers here growing up. In truth I came here when I was 6, 9,11and 16 then it was another gap till college. I did not start coming to the lake regularly until my daughter was 3. The summers in between are blurry memories. So the lake is where I grew up.
Today I made a memories, not intentionally, but I think it will stick. As a child at the lake many of my memories involve the row boat. When I as old enough to go by myself, learning to row and when my Grandpa Put came running to the end of the dock in a panic to remind me not to run into the rocks around the island, I was 18. Hadn't I been doing this for year? Either way, this year I got a myself a rowboat. The maiden voyage involved two dogs, for kids and me. My niece is visiting, she is four, and this was her first boat ride. We went to the island for a jump off the rock, another first. We even found some blueberries.
We are all leaving the lake today and the summer is starting to wind down. The lake is a long time tradition in my family, my grandpa Put had been coming here since 1916 when his father bought the original camp. I cherish my time here and wish I could bring all my friends. Thank you to those that visited, hope some more of you can make it next summer, and I hope someday my kids will have the chance to share their memories as they make more in the summers to come.

Bracing for impact

Sometimes all I need is an hour on the lawn tractor to clear my head...todays thought...is it exhausting being a bitch?

When I was younger I always wanted to be mean, but I didn't have the guts. As I get older I realized being mean or a bully is really about insecurities but I still don't get it. Sometimes I still wish I could be mean, but I am told I have the patience of a saint and can be overly optimistic and forgiving. If you would like to refute this point, feel free. So someone was down right nasty to me the other day and it made me sad. I could be flippant and say, "I don't care what anyone else thinks of me" but the thing is I do care. Not like I cared in Junior High, but I care. I care in the way of being misjudged and not wanting another to think I would wrong them intentionally.

Words hurt, bad things happen, but how we respond shows are character. The Bible teaches us to turn the other cheek. As a child I thought it meant to ignore someone if they wronged us but now I know it is to "offer" the other cheek. Offering grace and forgiveness is no easy task, yet the benefits are great.

Gifts from Nature

 I haven't been in my studio since the end of June and after seeing what has occurred in my pool I am freshly inspired and I am turning my pool into a frog sanctuary for the rest of the summer....
 We are half way through July and I have decided to close my pool. Why would I make such a choice on a day that threatens to bring us temperatures in the mid 90's? After returning from 10 days away from home I am faced with not a blue sparkling chill out spot but a green mess. Fortunately for me my kids stopped over for a quick hug and "I love you" and as I watched them chase and try to catch frogs out of the pool I took a lesson from them. Make the most of what you have. Find joy in the little things. Observing and being in nature is fun. I asked them if they cared if I cleaned the pool or not. While explaining to them this meant they would not be able to swim, my daughter reminded me about the time I had to rescue a baby rabbit from the pool. Did you know if you grab a baby rabbit they scream? I screamed too.
  If you want to come to the swimming hole bring your net and leave the goggles at home.

If Magdalena could dance

"If Magdelana could dance"

 Seth Godin wrote, "what makes it art, is that the person who made it overcame the resistance, ignored the voice of doubt and made something worth making. Something risky. Something human"
Since spring I have been traveling in a new direction. Many of my friends have been on this path with me even though they may be unaware. We have shared stories. Setting those stories free is essential to healing.
Thank you for the inspiration and the words.

Making due

 Summer is here and the request have come flooding in. A new bike, a new skateboard, more Super Soakers, new video games and Lego sets, trips to the amusement park and lots of ice cream. What my kids do not understand, because they aren't suppose to yet, is I spend a chunk this week on getting the pool open, buying them new summer shoes, bathing suits, shorts and yes, a few new Super Soakers. I also had to get prescriptions filled and pay the final heating bill. It was a long winter. I wish I could get them everything their hearts desired but that isn't the best example. Trust me, I have accumulated plenty of crap I do not need, but generally I try to use what I have first. I am frugal by nature and I enjoy the occasional dumpster dive. So how do I pass this on to my kids?
 After my last post I got to thinking about my father. He definitely had a big influence on my passion for salvaging. He likes making tables. The coffee table in my  house growing up was big enough and sturdy enough that as kids we would dance on it as we acted out "The Copa Cabana". Before it was our stage it was a pink wooden bench that my father rescued from a burn pile. If you look under the table today you can still see the paint. When I was little my neighborhood had "Junk Day". Everyone put out the things they wanted to get rid of and then drove around seeing what everyone else put at the end of the drive way. A wooden ladder became our monkey bars and our slide had a slight twist to the left but it was all salvaged, so with hammer and nails my dad made us an amazing fort. Last summer my mom and dad found a free rowboat on the lake and rowed it to my dock. Now I just have to find some oars.
This to me is fun. Memories are made discovering "new" treasures. I hope my kids will also find it fun and see its value. It  is easier to buy things new but times are tough and it just isn't possible. Making due demands more of our creativity, we may have to develop some unconventional solutions, but it forces us to think and ask questions. School may be out for the summer but learning should be a constant.

3 more days

I, along with millions of other, have three more days. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I will spend that time contemplating what happened to the year. How is it I managed to still not get my basement cleaned out or even the hall closet. How is it that all my good intentions of organizing my life while my kids were occupied at school got away from me. I have three more mornings of sipping my coffee as I peruse Facebook and my emails. Three more leisure trips to the gym or a morning of Kayaking. Three more days to find the lost library book. And no more 8am movies. That was new this year.
 The population at the grocery store is about to triple. Instead of a 45 minute lap with a few gossip stops, food shopping will become an 85 minute lesson in patients, bargaining and saying "No!" No more humming along to the streaming 80's tunes I love so much.
 Yet, I will not have to trade snuggling for scrambling to catch the bus. Snacks will not be eaten in the back seat while going 75 on the way to dance, soccer, football, or scouts. Echoes of laughter will fill the woods along with barking dogs. Yes, summer is around the bend and I am looking forward to the change of season. I believe these are the times my kids will remember and not if my bookshelves were organized. I remember the fort my Father built in the backyard after a morning salvaging parts from around the neighborhood's Junk Day. He taught me how to use tools and the importance of making the most out of what was available.
 Put away the "to do" list and break out the sun screen, in three days, don't rush me.
Crap...just realized Wednesday is a half day!

So Close.

I spent this past weekend embracing the beautiful weather and doing my first installation.
It is dedicated to all the missed moments, the fleeting moment, coming in second, hearing the phone ring too late, forgetting to say good bye, or wishing you had said I love you more ofter.
It is dedicated to finding the strength to try again.
And now that I have completed one I must quickly move toward finishing the next. I couldn't have completed this on my own so thank you Patrick for lending me your thoughts, hands, and support.

levels of discomfort

How much discomfort are you willing to put up with? How hard are you willing to push? I do not do yard work when it is raining but I have signed up for a race that involved mud, hills and barbed wire. I gave birth to my two sons without medication (by choice) but I can't seem to make an appointment to get my tooth fixed. There is a relationship between discomfort and payoff. Does more discomfort at the start make it easier in the long run? Steve Pressman asks, "Are you willing to bleed for it?" when it comes to a new idea or goal.
My goal for tomorrow is to purchase a bag of cement and talk to the preferred local wood cutter. Last time I talked to him I asked him to donate a christmas tree to the Girl Scouts. He agreed without hesitation, but found it unnecessary to turn off his chain saw or remove the cigarette from between his teeth. What I need today is a 12 foot log, 10 - 12 inch in diameter, cut into segments of 6, 12, 18, 24, 30 and 36 inches. The dreaded words, "are you an artist or something?", may come out of his mouth. It is not the question but the tone that comes with it. Why does this hit so high on my levels of discomfort?  I will feel forced to explain something that is personal, to expose a piece of me to someone that doesn't understand. I am not always good at asking others for help. I know that about myself, but this question induces the fear of sounding stupid by having to explain something that I can't explain. The idea is in my head, on paper but during the process I don't want to have to explain it, What if it turns out different?
I hope by the end of the weekend my first sculpture will be out there for everyone to see. Then I hope, all the discomfort was worth it.

I have a car with a bag of cement and 6 logs in the back...yeah. I selected my log, the cutter got his chainsaw and handed my a tape measure. It was funny and a collaborative effort. Then he asked "is this for some sort of religious fanatic thing?"

Wall vs. Fence

After the boundaries have been established the next step is choosing. Do I extend a bridge to welcome others or erect a wall to keep others out.
Wall- a continuous vertical structure intended to enclose or divide.
Luckily for me I did not have to choose. I get to do both. Upon further inspection of the intended location of the shed I noticed that Joe did not remove the rocks but merely spread them out like a child that doesn't want to eat his peas and mash potatoes. The rock is now mixed with leaves and tree debris making impossible to plant anything to create a natural boundary. I built a mental wall out of passive agressive behavior and a few swear words. I also plan on giving him dirty looks when I see him...its a temporary structure but for now it's working.
A bridge is a pathway to ideas and moves us forward. So that is where I will begin...
An invitation to explore, play, and discover something new, Something that is intended to reconcile or form a connection between two things, Something that makes a physical connection between two things.
Quinn is a great helper and we got started on our bridge until the rain came.

Inspiration in the form of a line

   So where does one find inspiration? This past week it came from my neighbor Joe and his plan to put a new 20x30 shed on my property in order to store his Kubota TLB series tractor/loader/backhoe.
    After the large snow banks melted away, I noticed my neighbor had parked an extra large storage container next to his driveway. It crossed my mind that it was most likely on my land but no trees had been disturbed, so I let it go. It was when the two ton pile of crushed rock got dumped out on the driveway that I got nervous.
   I quickly put into motion all the ineffective ways of dealing with this issue. I talked to friends, I looked at a very old and vague plot map, I called a land surveyor who did the house two doors down, inspected some google earth maps, and even contemplated having my ex-husband come over, so basically I did nothing to solve or confront this issue. I even sat and watched him as he began to spread out the crushed rock. My keys in one hand, cup of coffee in the other, with a dumb ass look on my face, I pondered, "I wonder what he is doing? I think that is my land?" What better response then for me to get in the car and go to the gym. (this is what Steve Pressfield referees to as "resistance", next post)
   So what kick starts someone into action? Well for me it was when I came home and saw his Jeep parked on his new rock slab and my pine tree knocked down and left to die on my grass. It's 12 feet of willowy beauty wilting in the sun. She was still partially attached at the base. Now I would have to get out the saw and make the final cuts. I formulated the perfect opening line in my head, "just wanted to let you know I was going to be over to cut the bottom off the tree you knocked down", before I knocked on his door.  Have I mentioned that Joe is a very large man and he is a cop in one of the least desirable places to live outside of Boston? I find him a bit intimidating, for some reason.
"Hey, I was just going to come and talk to you," he said as he opened the door. Really?
   We are "ALL GOOD" according to Joe. So I walked away and came back armed and ready with my tape measure, a piece chalk, and my seven year old son for back up.
  125 feet is what belongs to Joe, not 145 feet. I was right, he was wrong. It took a long, twisty path but I faced some unidentified and unreasonable fears and came out feeling empowered and inspired.
   I was now motivated to set up the boundaries and lines for the sculpture garden. The modified plan was to work with what was already in the yard. I am still going to do this but in a more deliberate way. Intention is an important part of creativity. I spent two days relocating plants, trimming trees, taking down the wood stands in the woods and moving rail road ties. It timed out perfectly with the rain.
Thanks for the inspiration Joe and I like the shed, properly located at the end of your driveway.

Self sacrifice

Or the lesson I learned this weekend. I have been coaching my three kids soccer teams for the last six years, that is 12 seasons, and 18 teams. It is one of my greatest joys. Watching a child that starts the season standing, lost, on the field to ending the season by scoring the final goal. One child, at the start wouldn't move or put the his ball on the grass, then he progressed and ran only where I ran, it became a game, then one afternoon he moved away from my side and followed the ball. The final game, the last day, in the last minute, he got a break away. Instead of stopping he ran, kicking the ball. He ran the length of the field and scored. He was so proud, the whole team cheered and his mother cried. She hugged me and said "thank you, thank you, thank you". I will never forget it, but I do not coach for the thank yous. I coach for the kids.

I am not coaching this season because of my kid, and it was a hard choice to make, and when a mother said to me,"my daughter needs you" I cried. He wanted his Dad to come to his games and that would only happen if I wasn't at the game, so I decided not to coach. But the harder lesson I learned was that my son needed someone else, not me, to be his coach. He wanted me to coach. He begged me to coach, but what happens is he becomes a goofball when I try to coach him. He has a new coach and my son is attentive, focused, and assertive during the game and practice. I skipped coaching for the love of my son and what he is getting in return is a new love for the game.

Times 2

I had to steal away from the party that never would have happened if I had left on time with my family in order to print out my boarding passes and reflect on my second extra day. I learned today that time has a different meaning for kids then adults. My kids woke me up yesterday at 5am dressed, packed and ready to go home. Vacation was over, they had planned on a day of travel that included 6 hours of playing their DSI's, then back to friends and school. The suggestion of going to the beach was not met with my same level of enthusiasm as I had hoped for. Today, day 2, they wanted to stay in and "hang out" I had to explain to them that we got extra days. Who knows when this will happen again. Still I got crickets. I then pointed out that today they would normally be in school so we had to go learn something they came up with a plan.
Off to the USS Midway. Very cool. Lots of planes and sun and sounds. Lunch was a burger at "In and Out". we got to take a trip to the book store, I bought something I shouldn't have, but I love it. Then friends came over. Folks we would have missed. Storied we wouldn't have shared, a sun set we should have missed...don't get me wrong, It is time to go home. we miss our dogs, we miss our friends, the kids miss their dad and we are going to miss being part of the Scout awards ceremony, but I would trade it for time. It will be months before we are all together again. I wish I could have all the people I love close to me at all times but this has been a lesson in making the most of what you've got.

Time

Due to a tornado in St. Louis I am stuck in San Diego. Stuck is a very inappropriate word for my situation. Really, I have been given two more days. Free days, two days I hadn't planned on that are a positive thing. I will be missing the Cub Scout Pack meeting and my kids will be missing two days of school, my dogs will have to stay two days longer at the kennel, and just maybe my mailbox will finally fall off the last remaining screw holding it to it's post, but really, I am not missing much, but gaining two days with my parents and kids.
Today we went to the beach at low tide and explored the tide pools, I had a carne asada burrito, one of the main reasons I visit is the Mexican food, it drizzled during quiet time, then the sun came back out so we walked in the village, ate Gillato and watched the sea lions play in the waves. I got to check out some art, count how many stairs there are from Prospect Street to the Cove with my boys and end the day by seeing the sun set while sitting in a hot tub with my daughter.

Take advantage of the gifts given...What would you do with two extra days?

Breath

If you would ask me to dive to the bottom of a 12 foot pool I could fight my way to the bottom and then resurface, gasping for air. Ask me to sit and hold my breath and I can last a mear 30 seconds. Yet when I loose myself in painting I suddenly have to remind myself to breath. On the lat pull down machine the 5th instruction is to "Keep Breathing." Breath is essential to life, yet we can control it unlike blinking and the beating of our hearts. Did you know the medical term for taking a breath in is "inspire". How contradictory that when I am lost in thought I hold my breath. Maybe I do not want to let the inspiration that has blessed me get away.
Where do you find inspiration? Some wait for it to come. To many it is discipline. So this weekend when I had 2 hours to finish a piece no matter what, when my heart started pounding though my chest, and I was actually nervous, I realized all I could do was breath. A big breath in and then...hold it until I it was ready to reveal itself.

Trees set.

The corner stone of the garden has been planted. I had picked out locations but after hanging out in the space I have abandoned my original plan. The layout was fighting the all ready existing elements. As a family we selected locations for the trees. They are going to set up the far corner and be the back drop for the sculpture currently under construction in my barn. My boys helped me dig the holes, I had forgotten how many rocks there are in New England soil, and safely transfer the worms in order to moved the pine trees. Now it is raining so I do not have to water, perfect. I got some new overalls too. I thought I would try to be a bit incognito, is it working?

Jamie Oliver's TED award speech.

If you are unfamiliar with TED talkes I highly recommend you look them up. Topics cover education, inspiring children, technology, medicine, food, poetry and more. If I need a bit of a boost or inspiration, these talks are guaranteed to provide it.
Jamie Oliver's "Food Revolution" in LA started last night. Loved it. If you are at all interested in what you eat and how we feed are kids it is a must.

Sculpture Garden day 1.

Here is the sight and perhaps overly ambitious plan for the sculpture garden. The snow is gone and the ground is getting softer. Two years ago for Earth Day my Girl Scout troop planted trees. We had a few extras so they where put in the garden. Now they need to be moved to their permanent locations in the planned sculpture garden. I went to an outside sculpture garden with kids and watching them interact with the art was inspiring. They want to climb and touch everything, but so do I, so I need to keep this in mind when construction starts. I hope you will watch my progress and visit me along the way and when it is complete.